The list was shared over almost 20,000 times, I’m assuming by people who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman’s lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality, as it had no depth to explain our human nature. Nor did it place responsibility on the male partner, with the exception of one sentence indicating his role. “The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands.” Fortunately, I came across another article, “Why Women Cheat: A Married Man Goes Undercover On Ashley Madison” by Charles J. Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the “we’re married, but let’s have an affair” website known as Ashley Madison to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.
1. Women want and need attention, appreciation, and passion.
When there’s a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, they will seek out ways to fill the gaps. At times, these efforts will be obvious, such as creating an Ashley Madison profile, or it may be a sudden opportunity taken without much forethought. On the Huffington Post, Jennifer Garam wrote “Why I Had An Affair With A Married Man” where she describes her affair experience. “Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality. Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.” She felt alive again, and that’s a main component in the way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid. She goes further to explain, “This feels so good I don’t want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes.
2. Your man showed his willingness to step out of his relationship.
Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation, and passion. In addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man — capable, sexy, wanted, and valued. If the other woman shows him that he’s indeed capable, sexy, wanted, and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with available opportunities can lead to an affair. Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him. He consented. The other women is actually not the issue because if it wasn’t her, it likely would have been someone else. Stop blaming and demonizing her, and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.
3. Choosing a married man can be safer than having a real relationship.
Married men can bring to the table attention, passion, time, experience, and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and checkbook balancing. Some women who have been in bad relationships don’t want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat. Many women are not looking to ‘steal’ your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure, and if he can give it to her, she’ll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim, and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last. Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life; having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy. They don’t want the daily drama, and they want their space. Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenges are the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotional thing even when unintended. What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion?
4. They’re looking for the thrill.
Dr. Valerie Golden reports in her Psychology Today article “Why Women Want Married Men” that sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill full of lust and passion in a way not possible otherwise. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered and grab quick sexual encounters on the fly can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty and bawdy. Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings. Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses. We often want sex with people who we would never marry. Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical. Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home. An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous, and more. The thrill is intoxicating to the point where even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.
5. She does it just because she can.
Yes, there’s a difference between the “just because you can doesn’t mean you should” line of thinking and the “just go for it” attitude. We make decisions every day, some of them have little risk of consequences while others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want — I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant, but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out. Affairs tend to have a high price tag. However, both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as standing by the “what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them” adage. Yes, sleeping with your man is selfish, but your man sleeping with her is also selfish. The phrase “my man” in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership, but we do not own people. Your man is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner. We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he’s yours. He’s only himself.